So. What I went through I never really considered rape.
I never really knew how to get over it. I never had help and no one ever knew. I thought if I didn't think about it, it would be like it never happened.
I never realized how bad it was. How bad it tore me apart.

See, I've had sex before it happened. My first love, David. Of course thinking about it now, it was the most stupidest thing I ever done. I would give anything to have my virginity back.
Anyways, my mother was really bad into drugs and one night she let a bunch of underage kids drink at her house. Again, not the smartest thing in the world.
I can still hear the music playing in the living room. I can still smell the beer on his breath. At the time, me and my first love broke up. I was heartbroken, and I thought a one night stand would help kill the pain. What turned out to be my first one night stand, turned into a horrible, most gruesome experience of my life.
Now, I'm not a sexual person, and I haven't had sex in four years, because of what happened. He was drunk and at the time I said yeah, I was going to sleep with this guy. I started getting uncomfortable because he was trying to make me do things I didn't want to do. I tried to stop him and tried to get him off me. He started calling me names like "fat bitch" or a "teasing cunt". I tried so hard to stop it. His words still chill me to the bone. Since he was underage, he told me if  I didn't sleep with him that he would tell the cops on my mother and my little brother would be taken away.
My brother is my life. He has been there through the beatings with my step dad and my moms stupid boyfriends. When everything changed around us, he was always there. Nothing could change that.
So after he said that, I let him do what he wanted to do. I cried silently the whole time.
Finally he passed out, so I went to the bathroom, puked, and took the longest shower in my life.
I felt so dirty, I slept in the bathtub.
The next morning, he had no idea what happened.
His sister was my mom's best friend and she was living with us at the time. I tried to tell her and my mother, but his sister threatened to beat the hell out of me. She called me a lier.
After that, I never told anyone.
I pulled that night so far into my mind that I convince myself that my first love was the last person I slept with.
What brought this up was that my friend wanted to sleep with me. I like him a lot and I considered the idea. But something kept stopping me. I couldn't do it. When he touched me, I would freak out, and I didn't know why.
I started thinking about it. I realized that every time a guy touched me, I was uncomfortable.
He fucked me up. I don't know what to do about it anymore.
I learned to accept what happened because I did it for my brother. I did it out of love. I thought I could be strong and get over it. I guess I never did. I guess I just ran. I ran from everything. It was like I couldn't face it. I think i still can't. I ball my eyes out every time I try. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?!
How do I move on from this. I can't talk to no one because people will find out, and I don't want that to happen. He lives in my town. I can't do that to myself.
Why did this happen. I always get the bad end of every guy. My first love left me two days after I told him I was pregnant, every guy after that was too embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I'm not a dog. I do have feelings. It's not fair. I don't do anything to deserve what they do to me. 

Am i? I can't help but question that.

I can't help but think about it when he tells me how neglectful i have been

Its not fair to him that i'm trying to live my life the best i can.

Things are just so fucked up.

Im tired of it.

So, to follow up with my progress....

 

I have been drinking water non stop. I've been turning down foods that are unhealthy for me.

(I miss my cheetos from school :-[ )

I kinda cheated a couple times(thanks a lot jess) ahaha.

But overall i think i'm doing pretty good. I'm actually surprised how well i'm taking this in and how I'm actually serious about doing it. I usually never do but this time, i think theres gonna be a change. I'm really excited for it.